Governor of California Declares State Wide Emergency Over Water Soluble Chalk Crisis
The Daily Thistle – Because Everyone Needs a Poke Now and Then.
Sacramento, California – June 26, 2013 –
In a rare early morning appearance,California Governor Jerry Brown called an emergency press conference at 7:00 a.m. this morning to address the ‘Water Soluble Chalk Crisis’ facing California.
“We’ve seen this coming now for some time but we had hoped to avert the crisis before it got out of hand. Unfortunately, I must admit, we have failed.” The Governor admitted in his opening remarks to the press corps.
“As of this morning we are issuing a state-wide ban on the sale of all water soluble chalk, and have taken steps to implement a school by school search and seizure program to be sure that all water soluble chalk is eliminated from the communities throughout the State.” he went on.
As reporters clamored for details, Joe Bland, from NBC News made a statement that set the room a-buzz,
“Mr. Governor, it seems this is a rather radical approach to a single incident. And besides, I thought they had the culprit in San Diego in custody.”
Bland was, of course, referring to one Jeff Olson, an alleged San Diego resident who now faces a $13,000 fine and 13 years in prison for writing ‘anti big bank slogans’ on the sidewalk outside of a local Bank of America branch after finding no relief in his ongoing attempt to work out problems with his mortgage.
The governor was visibly shaken by this remark, and after a few moments to collect himself, continued in his announcement.
“The San Diego incident is simply a symptom of a much broader epidemic now threatening to undermine all of the established systems of government, commerce, trade and civic activity throughout the State.
“We have intercepted communications which indicate that bands of irate homeowners, angry taxpayers, unemployed State workers and even disenfranchised school children and parents whose schools have been closed due to fiscal cuts are already in the midst of planning a massive water soluble chalk assault on the sidewalks and streets of our major cities and municipalities.
“These misguided individuals must not be allowed to disrupt the commerce of our great State. They must learn that when the system fails them it is their job to go home and think about what they can do to improve their performance in the system, rather than act out against it.”
At this point, Jane Doasyourtold, a long time reporter with CNN asked the governor if he could outline his plan, beyond the removal of all water soluble chalk from the stores and schools of the State.
“We have begun a house to house sweep of the entire State with armed S.W.A.T. teams to confiscate all water soluble chalk in the hands of the general public starting in San Diego. These teams went into action approximately 45 minutes ago, and will be fanning out across the lower portions of the State by rotation and moving northward for the next six weeks until the job is completed.
“Citizens wishing to avoid the house to house search are urged to turn in any water soluble chalk they may have in their possession to their local police department as soon as possible so their names can be added to the ‘All Clear’ list and they might avoid the disruption of S.W.A.T. team premises searches.
“We have seen the damage that can be done when irresponsible individuals get their hands on water soluble chalk, and we are already in negotiations with Bank of America to assess the damages and work out a plan to keep this great banking institution in our State.” Governor Brown concluded.
According to a written release, due to the State of Emergency caused by the San Diego incident, all public schools in San Diego will remain closed until further notice and all public employees are urged to stay home and do a thorough inspection of their premises for any water soluble chalk which may be present.
The Governor’s statement also noted that police detectives and carpenters with chalk lines were the only exempt parties to the State wide ban.
References:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/25/jeff-olson-california-banks_n_3499177.html
