Local Community Garden Group Adopts Big Ag Practices

The Daily Thistle – Because Everyone Needs a Poke Now and Then

Atlanta, Georgia June 5, 2013

A local community garden has determined that the biotech industry has set the right example for food growers large and small and has adopted their methods in the community gardens they operate here in Atlanta.

Citing claims of increased yields and drought resistance, the group has employed the services of local RC aircraft enthusiasts. The RC group hosts weekly radio controlled aircraft flying events at a park close to the gardens. As part of the agreement, they will carry out aerial spraying three times weekly on the vegetable plots of community gardeners.

“This is a total outrage!” said Selma Jones, 87, who has been growing her subsistence vegetable crop in the gardens for 40 years.

“They are spraying 2,4D, Agent Orange and RoundUp on my vegetables!” the elderly Jones lamented, as she hugged her cat. “I have no idea what has come over them!” she added.

Spokesperson for the gardens, Sheila Smithers, responding to Jones’ complaint said “We are only following the well documented, tested and proven practices of modern agribusiness in an effort to improve yields, reduce pests and provide the most modern agricultural benefits to our local gardeners.”

“These old folk have a way of getting over excited,” the mayor of Atlanta was quoted as saying. “We are confident that the modern agricultural approach to food production can do nothing but improve the gardens of our local community gardeners.

Most of the growers in these gardens are from our lower income communities around the city”, he went on to say.

“We were very concerned about the elitist connotations of organic produce. We want to provide these people with a fair chance to experience the benefits of modern food production.”

Several members of the garden community had checked in with local health authorities complaining of symptoms ranging from head aches to muscle spasms and nausea, but the garden manager had explained “We have hazmat suits of varying sizes to accommodate all gardeners on a first come first serve basis. If gardeners do not read their newsletter and schedule the use of a hazmat suit while gardening, we cannot be responsible. it is up to each gardener to attend to their own welfare.”

Three families who grow vegetables in the garden reported to local authorities that their gardens had been destroyed by the spraying operation, but the manager of the gardens explained that these families had been growing inferior organic food crops which could not handle the herbicide and pesticide residues of the spraying operation.

“Clearly, these families need to update their gardening techniques and consider purchasing the appropriate seed to grow food for their families in the modern age” the manager said in an interview Friday.

“These families who insist on growing organic and heirloom crops which are incapable of withstanding the new modern agriculture protocols need to update their practices and purchase Monsanto seed for improved results.

“We will not be responsible for simple human error.” the garden manager stated in a press conference today.